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My 69th Year


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Categories : personal growth

My 69th Year – the year of transformation.

I’ve always had a fondness for sixty-nine; it’s embedded in all my passwords.  I remember liking the sexual position when the partner was right, but these days its more spiritual than subversive.  Maybe it’s like the sign for yin and yang representing the balance between good and evil.  Maybe it’s because six and nine equal fifteen and one and five equal six.  Seventy-eight is the next lucky year – yikes!

From the outside this year of transformation looks like a lot of Marie Kondo tidying, but the inside fees different. It began with an awkward dinner party where I invited five people (to add up to six) and only four came, leading to a last-minute invite for my Yorkie Mojo.  My son and I put politics behind us.  I built bookshelves.  I got back on the treadmill. I began intermittent fasting and resumed tracking my weight. I started taking Lipitor.  I slowed to a stop regarding men.

This means I let go of hope and expectations.

 I’ve always longed to be like those couples in long loving relationships. Not the fake ones on Facebook, but the real ones that hold hands and look into each other’s ancient watery eyes and die within months of each other from a broken heart.  I hoped that true love with a man was in God’s plan for me, but so far it’s only been transactional.  Decisions made from fear, resentments and secrets. Fantasies of accidental death and insurance payouts when things got ugly.  That is the closest I came. 

But letting go of hope and expectations can occasionally be joyful.  There’s no reason it shouldn’t be, if you have sufficient money to finance your adventures.  Money finances adventures that you can go on alone with nobody else’s fears to hold you back.

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